


White Panic and White Pills

by fromthefire



Series: sad oneshots [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, Vent tbh, deciet is big scary, this is kinda dark mayhaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 15:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18574798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthefire/pseuds/fromthefire
Summary: Virgil talks with Deceit but not in the way he planned.





	White Panic and White Pills

**Author's Note:**

> ok in this one (also from my book rip) , virgil is now Human as are the rest but it kinda skims over that yeah.  
> tw for panic attacks, kindaaaaa self harm? suicide attempt.this one was very ..... personal.

Years since the first appearance of Virgil, the people around him had learned to love him as a person. A person he was not. Despite the lies, back-stabbings, and constant fear he caused; they still made room in their hearts for him. Looking back on it now, he realizes he should be grateful or at least act like it. And some parts of him are; though he knew even the human part of him barely cared.  
With his mental state rapidly deteriorating, he still found time to think about them.  
“Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed. -Michelle K.”  
He couldn't recall where he remembered the quote from, though he found it quite true at the moment. Everything about the past was terrible. He was still figuring out the Earth and himself. A long trail of figuring out rights and wrongs. All of them. Oblivious and hopeful. The worst traits he’d ever come across and he had interacted with three of them for years. Virgil could only imagine what they were thinking of him in return.  
Returning to darkness was sort of a Stockholm syndrome case for him. He knew this was no way to live, yet, the comfort was louder than logic. Wasn't everything louder than logic for humans? Killing people, the planet, anything, in order to serve something had had no meaning. Whether it be money or religion or personal greed. It was something mankind was guilty of enough, yet they saw no consequence. The deaths, the dying planet, the sadness they caused meant nothing. He suddenly felt himself being called up, the feeling was strange but familiar. He hadn’t been called up since he turned human.

A dark presence made itself known and brought Virgil back to reality. He immediately stood in a position of submission; standing up straight, hands to his side, blank face. The figure, which had no real body, loomed over the anxiety-riddled boy. Minutes passed without words or thoughts. The anticipation gave Virgil an unfamiliar feeling of dread, hopelessness, and general discomfort.

“Did they cry for you?” The voice whispered. Because sometimes to frighten people; you have to give them the idea that they have more power than you. But he wasn't so easily fooled, he knew his place and his worth or he at least knew his lack of it. Still, he remained silent.  
“Did they fill the oceans with their regret?” Virgil closed his eyes and whispered.  
“Yes…” His voice trailed off, wanting to elaborate but also not wanting to speak in the first place. Torn between speaking up or speaking lower, he waited again.  
“Good.” Spoken so quietly with such little remorse for anything really. Virgil’s mind (cause he had his own now) saw strings of yellow in the cold blackness but when he strained his eyes, the endless black remained still. Then, the aura of the terrifying creature lifted from Virgil’s clouded mind. He could think again. If he could in his subconscious, he would’ve gasped. “Deceit,” He out the pieces together. A rattling laugh filled Virgil’s head, confirming that the one and only Deceit had brought him to Hell and back. 

Virgil had felt nothing. Without a body to feel with, how could he? He had expected this. He knew what he was doing the moment his cold hands wrapped themselves around the pill bottles. And even when he popped them open. 

In a sudden instant, Virgil found himself in excruciating pain and then, instead of the cold blackness, he saw white. White panic.

He awoke in terror, a scream stuck in his throat. He bolted up and clenched his heart, certain he was experiencing a heart attack. Uncut fingernails dug into his skin, above his heart as if he was trying to remove it from his body to ease the pain. Of course, it made the pain worse and he just wasn't getting it. The pain was confusing to him and he didn't like it at all. His throat began to burn, his constant coughing only made it worse but he couldn't seem to stop. “Stop,” He choked out. He didn't know who he was telling to stop or what he was telling them to stop doing. He just wanted this to stop. Losing control of his body, he was shut in darkness, then light, then darkness again, and the pattern continued until a soft noise made its way past the panicking.  
“Kiddo, Virgil, hey.” The voice was soft and he wouldn't have even heard it if he didn't feel two hands carefully open his eyes or another pair hold his flailing body down. Virgil tried to calm down but his body wasn't allowing it. Hands rested underneath his head to stop him bring banging it subconsciously. Part of Virgil wished he could lose consciousness in the moment.  
“Hey there, are you alright? Can you look at me?” Teary eyes jumped from object to object in a hurry to find the voice, a soft sound he now craved. He then noticed his body lying still on the ground and now it was only his head he needed to calm.  
The hands holding him down moved away slowly and he felt them run over his hair. His eyes landed on Patton. The last person he wanted to see. He shut his eyes immediately in the hope of waking up in another nightmare. At least he could control those. But this... He could feel Patton sigh as small hands moved from under his head.  
“Fuck,” The shorter boy stood, slowly but surely, and balanced himself on the nearby figure. He looked up to see Logan, a man who he would never admit, intimidated him. He grabbed his own hand away, losing balance before steadying himself. Roman watched from a few feet away and wrapped his arms around himself. Virgil placed a hand over his heart, dots of red bleeding through his shirt. He made a confused noise.  
“It's usually not that bad,” Virgil attempted to thank them. “I usually don't do all...that,”  
“But you did. You did.” An emotional voice spoke that Virgil knew all too well. “You took these-these pills! You left us, Virgil. If you were fully human, there wouldn’t be a way to revive you! You could’ve died! You could’ve and I wouldn’t have been able to save you,” Roman said, speaking a bit too fast. Patton winced from the yelling and placed his hand on Roman’s shoulder. Both avoided Virgil’s eyes and kicked at the dirt. Roman sighed knowing his words were more fiery than usual. Roman bit his lip, not wanting his anger and worry to speak for him. It was the sort of self-control Virgil appreciated. Logan crossed his arms giving Virgil a blank look that some sort of context he couldn't decipher just then.  
“Look.” Virgil took a step back, hands up in surrender. “I know how it looks,” Roman’s cheeks flared an angry red. “It's just that, I saw him. Okay? I saw Deceit.” He knew they wanted a better explanation but he just wasn't in the right mindset to give it to them.  
“Deceit? Deceit didn’t turn, Virgil. He isn’t human. Stop changing the subject..” Roman spoke again. He then shook his head. “Virgil. This… This is not okay, I just… ” Roman’s mouth opened slightly, then closed again, his mind speaking too much for his mouth to comprehend. A feeling Virgil knew well. Logan stepped up to the shaking boy and thought out loud. “I’d suggest we take him to a hospital but that obviously would raise more questions than it would answer. The best thing to do is take Virgil back to Thomas’ until we figure out where exactly we stand on the human to sides scale.” He spoke to Patton and Roman. Virgil found himself swaying uncontrollably. He made himself still, hoping not to add on to the worry. He was still dizzy from the experience and was still trying to piece together everything. “Stop talking about me like I’m not standing right here. I’m not a child. We need to focus on finding Deceit-“ Logan whipped himself around to face Virgil and immediately Virgil was silent. “Then you need to stop acting like a child. What you attempted to do was immature and I’m not sure whether you understand the situation you would’ve put yourself in. The situation you would’ve put us and Thomas in.” A quick hand went to fix his glasses. “What you did was not okay and not to mention this wasn’t the first time you’ve thought about this, either, was it?” Virgil’s silence was a clear answer. It was now that the short boy had realized his hoodie was not on him and his arms were on full display. Logan nodded slowly. “Very well. Now that that’s cleared up, I’m going to call Thomas. His anxiety’s most likely through the roof.” Logan stepped away, maintaining eye contact with Virgil. “Listen, Virg, what you said about-“ Roman was cut off. “Don’t try to make me feel better about this. I’m.... I’m the one who should be, is, sorry. I’m sorry guys. Patton, can you walk me back?” Patton instantly nodded and placed his sweater over Virgil’s shaking shoulders. All the boys knew it was only Patton that could bring Virgil back from panic attacks and apparently from this too. Patton glanced back at Roman with a sympathetic look. Roman gave him a short lived smile back and watched as the two boys began to walk away. Roman heard Logan’s footsteps as he returned. His questions were halted when he noticed Logan’s now red, puffy eyes. With a cough, he spoke with a small crack in his voice. “Let’s go. Thomas is waiting.” “Everything’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay.” Roman offered. Logan’s mouth opened to reply with something not so nice. But he closed it and took Roman’s words to heart (which he had now). They began to walk.


End file.
